It's way past my bedtime on a weekday night, but I couldn't go to sleep without writing down some of my feelings after watching today's episode of The Bachelor.
Ok, ok, yes. I am one of those losers who actually watch reality TV. That's not to say I actually believe that what happens is totally real. Of course not. How can anyone possibly not be self-conscious when there are cameras following your every move??? And because there are cameras and because the experience is for the entertainment of others, I feel it ultimately kills any chance of anyone finding real love.
It's hard enough finding love in the real world, much less a world captured on tv.
I am not going to go on a "I hate Jason, he's such a douche" rant, because that is ultimately not the purpose of this post. I feel that the same thing can happen whether you are a man or a woman. To me... and I'm going to sound pessimistic... so beware.To me there is never certainty. There is only one truth: Uncertainty.

And on that note, I should sleep. But I hope to get my thoughts out about love sometime later this week. Tomorrow, if I'm lucky.

I'm exhausted. It's nearing the end of a long day, and almost the last day of 2008.

Let's start with the dream that ruled my whole day today.

I woke up, heart aching, from a dream at around 5:50am this morning. It wasn't a nightmare -- not even close-- , but rather an odd and strangely painful (emotionally painful) dream. I remembered it clear as day as I lied under my covers -- eyes wide, mind awake. The dream was vivid and was very real in terms of what I felt. It had started oddly enough with random events happening and not really making any sense.
I remember the part where I would have some weird bulbous/horn-like growths sprout from my upper arms. It started off looking like extremely large blisters filled with pus, but eventually they grew out to look like the gray and bony shoulders of some archaic creature or Pokemon. Apparently others had this issue as well, as I recall standing among several people experiences these growths that sprouted out at any hint of volatile emotion. I remembered my sensei telling me to meditate and to breathe in calmly. And oddly enough, once I channeled my spirit and calmed down, the odd horns shrunk back into my arms and I couldn't see them anymore. Nice.
Now it gets to the realistic part. I have this gift that I bought for someone in return for the Christmas gifts he gave me when we hung out recently. I couldn't accept a gift and not give anything back. However, my feelings are mixed about the whole situation involving this fellow. So having tried to find a time to meet up I had texted him trying to see when he was free. Since I was running out of texts I asked if he would be online. He said he would and that he would talk to me then. And so I went online, chatting with my friends and waiting for him expectantly to go online so we could set a date and time when I could give the gift to him; I was hopelessly disappointed when he didn't get online. I have to work everyday so sleeping late is a luxury best left for the weekends, if at all. Disappointed, I went to bed. My subconscious must have clung onto this disappointment and channeled it into my dream.
In this next part of my dream I remember talking to the person and I was happy we had set a date in which to meet up at my house or his house to play some Xbox 360. I was happy to finally have set a time to get this burden (the gift) off my chest and conscious. Later on, my cheerful mood was wiped away. My dream self had surfed the web and had gone onto Facebook.. Somehow I stumbled up on his Facebook profile and saw that it said he was in a relationship. I was in shock. Did this mean I was in a relationship with him!?  I was surprised if he thought so, but secretly not unflattered or slightly pleased if this was indeed the case. So I saw him online and instant messaged him inquiring about his latest status change. He, very happily (or so it seemed) responded that he entered a relationship. I asked who he was seeing, knowing by now that it wasn't me. He said that it was the 16th girl on his list (he had a whole list of girls he was trying to go after!?) and that she was in the same class he was in. My dream self subconsciously wondered if, and where, I was on this list of his... for some reason I had a feeling I was number 4... but I didn't ask. At this news, it seemed my heart cracked. I guess my instant messages sounded disapproving or disappointed so he asked me what was wrong and proceeded to reassure me that he was sure that he and his new girlfriend were going to get along great. "She's really laid back" was one of the optimistic phrases he confided to me. I tried to be happy for him, but I wasn't. And immediately I went onto Facebook to change my status and to take off the fact that I was "interested in men" (which I had just put up yesterday, in real life, to make sure no one would think I am a lesbian). In my mind, I had made the decision to return the gift and never talk to him again.
And then I woke up, with a start. The first thing I noticed was that I felt anxious and that my heart hurt. Not like a heart attack or even physically, but a pain on the inside.The closest thing I can relate it to was the pain I felt when I found out that my favorite Sabres goalie, Martin Biron, had gotten engaged (this was about 7-8 years ago). However this feeling felt like it was magnified; at least doubled! So in other words, it was probably more emotional anguish than I've felt in a long, long time. Well, anguish concerning matters of the heart I should say.
Logically I could see no reason to feel this way. I didn't like him, did I? He was just a burden right? Even if I did like him, I didn't foresee a future (for several reasons, none of which I will delve into). Frustrated and angry I sat up and eyeing my computer and then my cell phone. I grabbed my cell phone wondering if he would have texted me. Nothing. I crawled over to my desk and moved the mouse to my laptop to see if he had left me a message on Aim saying something like "Ahh you're asleep already?" or something else equally endearing. My heart fluttered when I saw that my Aim window was blinking! Someone had messaged me! Heart pounding I went to open it and see who it was from. Disappointment. It wasn't him.
Looking at the clock I groaned, it was early in the morning. I would have to get up in an hour to start my day. Yay.
I plopped onto my back and squirmed under my covers, literally. I tossed and turned. I was upset, anxious, and distracted. I wasn't tired at all. All I could feel was this overwhelming sadness. Finally, as the dream's clarity began to escape the clutches of my consciousness, I slowly regained composure and exhaustion set in.
An hour later my alarm clocks woke me. And thus began my odd day. My long, tiring and plain weird day.

Urghs!!!! Major urghs!!!!

Ever since this past weekend I've been agonizing over the fact that I will probably be called in for jury trials. Since they called me around October of last year, during school, I had to postpone it and then after I graduated BAM! They sent another notice and caught me right after I graduated from school.  But I guess it was also my fault since I said I'd be available in June... !!!

So the weeks went by busily, but the thought of having to go to court for jury selection still lurked in the back of my mind. And then the time came this past weekend-- Sunday to be exact-- when I had to call in and see if I would be needed. My juror ID is 376 so I'm still pretty much in front of the line, out of 1700 people for the week of June 23. From what I had heard from my parents, they called in hundreds of people a day. My dad recalled that he was in the 600's and he still had to go. And they even questioned him too. My mom was luckier and was dismissed later on in the day, because I guess they found the 12 people they needed.

I assumed that no matter what, I needed to show up Monday. But nope, they only needed numbers 1-142. Then I called again for Tuesday, and nope, they only needed 143-249. So I called again for today and they needed 250-345. Not me... but very close to my number... and hence the urghs...

THAT MEANS THAT I WILL H AVE TO GO IN THURSDAY!!! RUIN MY WONDERFUL THURSDAY BY GOING IN FOR JURY SELECTION!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

And so you see... I would much rather have gone Monday, when I prepared myself for the inevitable. Waiting for three days has given me false hope that perhaps they wouldn't need me. But alas... that is delusional, because if they couldn't find 12 people out of the first 250 or so people... then what are the chances they'll find everyone they need before they get to my number? Or even worse... what if I'm fated to be chosen for a dreaded homicide case!? Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I don't know what will happen, but it is bad enough that I am pretty much 99% sure I have to go in tomorrow. It would make my life infinitely worse if I were actually chosen to be a member of the jury. LIFE IS CRUEL!

But I will keep this weblog posted as to what actually happens. *Sigh*